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been here since the sun went down
be here when i comes back around
worked all week it's time to play
gonna get a little bit sideways
so to update on my real life and stop reminiscing about the one i left behind in barca...
first, a year ago today i was feeling this:
but seriously, i woke up this morning and it's like i could finally see what i was meant to do here. and where i want to go with life. i don't know who it'll be with, or where i'll be or what i'll be doing. but i know who i'm going to be while doing it and i know the kind of person i'm going to constantly strive to be. that makes me happier than anything. i am 100% done with the negativity towards him. i know that may not be believable now, but i swear it's true. i'm done. it was what it was, and it is what it is now.
i think i finally let go of that part of him that was still holding onto my heart, and in doing so i finally feel free - more free than i've ever felt. it's just me here and i get to choose what to do with the years ahead of me. that is a happy thought.
and i'm pretty proud of the way i handled it all then. but more than anything i would like to be able to go back to that time when i really thought i had it all figured out. when i felt like i finally had a grasp on my life and i had hope for the future. because right now, sitting in this town, in this house, in this bed, i do not have that same hope. sure, i have some hope about how it will all turn out, but i know that in the process i'm disappointing a lot of people by not turning all my good fortune into something even greater for myself. i know i look lazy and unmotivated and unsure about my life to a lot of outsiders, or at least that how i think i'm being viewed. i'd like to assure everyone i have everything under control and i know what my next steps are going to be, but i don't. and i'm not sure i will for awhile.
so, i'm stuck here for a bit. i got a job downtown at waterstone, the really nice pizza/micro-brewery place that's been open for about a year. the boss i talked to was awesome - he really knows his shit about managing and about how to keep a business and his staff successful. i'm excited to work for him and i think he's someone who will appreciate my work ethic. i have no clue how i'll be as a server, but i think with the right training i'll be pretty good at it as long as i don't let the stress get to me on a busy weekend night. i'm excited that i have a source of income finally, and it's at a great place that will make me a lot of money and hopefully i'll meet some cool new people to hang out with in lynchburg since everyone else is gone.
been keeping to the workout schedule with the friends, going to baseball games, hanging out at night for no reason but to watch movies, and even planning dinners to cook together. it's been great having a certain group here every day that i see all the time and adding some people in every now and then. we miss many people (bestie) but i guess this is what happens when you get old...
other than that, i've been applying to some jobs online, been looking even harder for some contacts in the publishing business that i can talk to and get some actual people up in DC to get me an in. it's really hard to network this far away, but i'm hoping it all comes together. but not too soon - i kinda like not having too much responsibility right now. living at home. not paying rent. saving up some money. and doing mindless but semi-entertaining and not hard work at a restaurant.
i'm trying to get back to that place i left a year ago. that place where i thought i could always make myself happy. i don't know why that mentality left me, but i want it back... so i'm gonna do some searching. i'll let you know what i find.
ps - just a small rant here. i'm tired of people needing me to fix them. people putting pressure on me (talking about guys here, duh) to in some way take pity on them and date them just so they will feel needed, loved, etc. red-haired crazy boy is still begging me to date him, as if he will never find anything better than me. bk is becoming very depressed (like, actually depressed) again and keeps saying that if he only had a girlfriend, etc... like if i were to suddenly express interest in the slightest he'd take it over having nobody and then all his problems would be solved. i can't fix everyone. i can't date someone just to date them. do people not have any self worth? do they not realize i'm trying to wait for that certain someone that knocks me off my feet again? do they not realize that settling for someone is the worst possible thing you could do to yourself as far as romantic relationships go? it leaves no one happy... and it pisses me off.
5.23
On Friday J and I took advantage of the morning - cafe con leche, of course, and then took a stroll to the Arc de Triomphe and through the Parc de Citudel. It was all gorgeous, though many of the things in the park were being cleaned so our pictures aren't that cool. We then toured the businessy part of Barca that reminded me of DC. We saw a ceremony through the streets to a church for a Saint - people singing, huge statue moving through the crowd. Very Spanish. Then sauntered over to the Picasso museum that's on the outskirts of the Barri Gotic. Spent over 2 hours there, looking at Picosso's works from 1895-1970s when he died. His Cubism phase was the last and most familiar to me, but his earlier stuff was also very cool and I love the information they provided (in Catalan, Spanish and English - all the French people were reading the English.) Came home, took a nap and ate lunch before making our way to the bus station at 2:30 to meet C.
Took a really nice bus (1 hour) to Toass. Hotel is mucho nice (or muy) and comfortable. 3 single beds, large bathroom, free breakfast. Went to the beach straight away, were starving by 7pm so we changed and were the only ones eating at Restaurant Picnic - had "champange" or sparkling sangria. And the food - big, bubbling bowls of seafood in a tomato wine sauce - devine. Then ice cream. Came back, read, hit the sack. I woke up firrst and made my way down to the beach by 10am, yummy breakfast in hand. We stayed all day. Some things of notice:
- topless women everywhere
- two huge girls in front of us with two skinny boys. all got drunk. tops came off. making out occurred. even other couples were grossed out.
- speedos
- harem pants
- castle to the right - J and I climbed. on the other side is another beach, paths wind through the woods. i popped a squat to pee. J took a pic.
- J got sunburnt in 3 funny places
- C and I both have yeast infections bc we're both on antibiotics, so we've been chugging yogurt to try and balance it out
- went through the back part of Toassa- cutest town ever. such a beach tourist town but with a spanish flair. ate at a cute pizzaria, pasta place and then more gelato as we walked through town
- started twilight
- saw biggest dog EVER. a "spotted pony" as C described to N
- played "everything's perfect but..."
5.24
8:40am
On the bus to go home.
5.25
12:43am
- Yesterday was the ex's bday.
- We hung out all day at Placa de Sol after cleaning C's apartment with her so her roommate couldn't complain. I read Twilight all the way back and couldn't put it down while home. Just finished it. So embarassing, but the hype isn't for nothing - the love story is quite touching. Makes a girl hope her Edward is out there.)
- Placa de Sol was fun. A little too long, but once I had wine (that I now have heart burn from) I was OK to stay out that long. Drank, ate and talked with two Spanish guys and two French girls - major cultural differences. Just people watching was fun too. Game of "asshole" turned sour real quick, but got some cute clothes from the girls whose apt. we were at bc they're leaving soon and cleaned out their closets.
- Yeast infection is still going strong, though a Monistat pill went up there this evening. Let's hope that's what is is and it's cured. Otherwise, I'm in for a bad spell in Paris.
(Edit: cue melodrama and self loathing/wallowing.... sorry in advance.)
On another note, I want a boy. A guy. A man. Someone who understands in an instant what you're feeling, thinking, going to do next. Someone with my best interest at heart without even thinking about it. Someone to keep me safe. Kiss my forehead goodnight. Want to know all the details of my boring childhood. Someone who likes sports, beer, reading, traveling/exploring, driving with no where to go, watching my fav. movies over and over, eating popcorn; someone who is educated, cares about his family, eventually wants kids, isn't jealous or needy but knows how to communicate and make me feel important/special every day. Someone who values hard work but knows how to relax. Someone who has hobbies but doesn't obsess over them; someone who will take time to enjoy things they love alone but can't wait to get home to me. Someone who doesn't drink and drive, wants a dog, is polite and courteous to every one, doesn't worship money and knows how to save without being stingy, can accept my friends and family and enjoys being around them. Someone who is committed, is good in bed with me, looks from one day to the next but sees the relationship as the best thing that's ever happened to him. Tall, dark features, likes to exercise, enjoys the beach and wouldn't mind getting married there. Likes VA, Buffett, the Orioles and hopefully the Skins and Caps.
I know it's a lot. I know it's farily impossible. But know I'm only going for about 35 out of 41. Not too bad of odds. I'm not asking for much. But I am asking for real attraction. Not anything I have to convince myself of. I want to fall head over heels in love. I'm ready to take another chance, even if I get hurt more than I did last time. That person is not R. It's not P or T or J or M. It's not D or S, G or any of the others that text me or that I've forgotten - R, W, A, A, J... the list goes on. Nope, none of them. Id have known by now. It's gonna be new. Unexpected. I won't look for it. It won't happen soon. And I don't doubt a couple other guys won't sneak their way in, just for fun, in between. But they're not it and it's time to say goodbye. No more games. No more beating around the bush. Not a single guy I've met since him has really turned my head. I've tried to make it work - I can give myself a damn good pep talk and a billion excuses. It's not worth it. And I'm writing this here bc Europe has made me see all this.
Thank you Europe. I am eternally grateful and I'm sure that future guy is too.
Oh, and I forgot C, Z, E, D, R... need I say more??
1:19am
Tomorrow - wake up early to grocery shop, then breakfast and coffee w the girls while watching Twilight. Pick up D at the airport, then show him around Barca before meeting up w. J for dinner.
5.25
10:45pm
Shopped like crazy today!
- earrings for mom and S
- ring for me
- top (green silky) for me
- had 2 things of gelato (ugh)
- beer w. J and D and C
- Eclipe, 3rd in Twilight series (C bought 2 and 4)
- ate at Wok to Wok
- book for my babies
Spent morning in, shopped at market, cooked breakfast, watching Twilight. D showed up and we took him out - Las Ramblas, Barri Gotic, Segrada Familia. Ugh, such an ugly church, though the modern side was a bit more tolerable. Like if Picasso interpreted Christianity during his Cubist phase. I am tired now, my yeasty is sort of gone. Tomorrow is going to be long also, because I know D wants to see a lot, so I must mentally prepare. A new city this weekend is what I need though - oh, and the wine tour Wednesday! Perhaps beach tomorrow to lift our spirits.
i'm finally going to document my time in spain. i'm going to type as much as i can from my book that i kept each time i document, and maybe eventually i'll edit some posts and put some other commentary on it. i want this to be here in case my little black book is ever lost, i still have my experiences. and one day i'll add pictures to facebook - sigh, such a long process. (ps - the last two pictures that have gone up were mine from my travels, and i'll continue to put up my favorites for at least this month.)
5.18.09
It's 10:01 pm - on the plane to Spain - Madrid to be exact. It has been such a long day, but with my cough (I told the girl beside me I'm not contagious - hope that's true) and the lights and the Spanish on the intercom (I can hear it over Taylor Swift singing "Fifteen") I can't quite sleep yet. Plus, I hear I get food on this flight. The girl beside me graduated from Emory yesterday, on her way to Israel to visit - she also gave me her water bottle for my cough. I forgot to buy cough drops. But I'm grateful for nice people. Reading "Yes Man" - it's goint to change not only this trip for me, but my life. Cannot put it down. (Except to write this, of course.)
5.19.09
3:30am. Sleeping on a plane is difficult and I wish I had a significant other I was traveling with so you could lean on each other, stretch your legs out and not worry about disturbing someone. Am so tired. But "Here Comes the Sun" just started playing on my ipod. Perfect. Can see land, just not sure whose land it is - perhaps Spain, as I believe we land around 4am. Tired of being sick also - am hoping that antibiotics take care of this real fast. My throat is swollen and sore, green stuff in my nose and cough, and what's really weird is that my tongue hurts and has little white bumbs from where my taste buds are inflammed. Hope it's nothing more serious than a sinus infection. (Cat later told me those are cancor sores that she also gets every time she's sick. They suck. I looked them up, and they're completely pointless...)
I travel with too much stuff. Need to consider being like McCandless ("Into the Wild)
14:00
Flight from Madrid was wonderful. Met Antonio, who drew me a map and explained the cit center, the beaches and the dangerous parts of town. He was very cute, probably late 20s, with a white button down, blue chorduroys and squre, small glasses. He offered me gum for my courgh and got me water bc the ladies didn't stop for me. I read a newspaper and he helped me with words I didn't know. Had gone to DC for a wedding (only 4 days in the states - so jet lagged) and he's also been to Boston and loves New York City. When we talked about Paris he said he'd lived there 5 years while studying and when I get on the plan. to request a seat on the right side because my view of Barcelona coming back in would be magnificent. Talking to him was wonderful, even though we had some silences - my first friend in a foreign country.
Extra: found out the girl was Sarah, joining the Peace Corp and going to Benin (Africa) - she was so cute and fun. However, I find my sickness is keeping me from talking as much as I usually do, or even cracking as many jokes or being friendly. I sound like a very nasly man and it's not becoming on me, trust.
I am now in the Barcelona airport wainting for Jessi, alone. It's weird to literally be in a place not designed with English in mind or anoyne to really care if I'm helped or not. I am not their people - I am an outsider. Nothing bad about that, but I'm sure I will appreciate Antonio's kindness more that I can know right now.
Eyes getting heavy. Need a shower. Need a nap.
15:00
There are NO fat people here. I actually feel inferior to the women here all well-dressed and no matter their size they all look good.
17:57
J and I finally ran into each other at the airport at the info desk trying to find each other. We've had one hell of a busy day - the luggage had to go up 5 narrow flights of steps. 3 book bags and 3 huge suitcases. Couldn't unlock the door for 25 mins until I finally turned it some magic way - there's no doorknob so it's difficult. Showers now, reading her fun travel book (day trip to a winery already planned!) until C gets home to take us grocery shopping and then it's to bed early. Trying not to use too much technology while here, esp bc I have no phone. No facebook. Only emails to my parents. I LOVE vacation. Can't wait to hit up some beaches!
PS - The apartment is HUGE! Gorgeous views.
23:56
End of Day 1. Went to Cl's house - she and C have been working together and have been really close since January. She's very bubbly, down to earth, fun and smart. I think she has a good spirit and I find her amusing.
Ate dinner at a sushi restaurant - waiter brought out a box and the menue was attached to the lid and #'s were in a grid and you placed a magnet (or stacked if you want two orders) on the # of the meal you wanted. We also had a drink called "clara" or lemonade and beer. In the states we call that "skippy" and add vodka for a little extra kick :)
The city is gorgeous - all the apts. have front pattio/balconies with flowers or clothes hanging. Mopeds and cars will run you down in a second. Not a single guy turns to stare like you're a piece of meat. Each building is different and I enjoy the character this old has.
Things I learned:
- English bulldogs can't have sex or procreate expect through artificial insemination because their legs are too short
- Two has three, three has five, five has four
- People go out at 12:30 to a bar that closes at 2am, then hit clubs that open at 2 and close at 5/6am
- Cl's little square has a lot of hippies and homeless people, but they all looked like people I'd love to get to know
- Had gelato - very good - strawberry and vanilla
- Always kiss on both cheeks and never step off the sidewalk without loking for bikes
- Do. not. tip. It's included!
K & J - Thursday, 5/20
- La Rambla
- Barri Cotic (area we're walking through)
- La Catedral
- Museu d' Historia de la Ciutat
- Placa de la Vila de Madrid (Roman tombs)
23:40
Made tons of new plans, including requesting info on taking a tour of wineries next Wednesday. DA is coming to see us Monday and Tuesday also.
- Milk comes in a box. Eggs are not refrigerated.
- We're actually more in the Chinatown of Barca. Got our fruits and veggies from some Chickety-Chinese ladies today.
- Harem pants are everywhere! They're hideous - saggy crotch, MC Hammerish - awful. But they look comfy and since everyone here's skinny, doesn't look so bad on them. I have a feeling the same girls who to pull off leggings in the states would try Harem pants and then we'd all really be crying.
- Enjoying my time on C's couch. The view out of the window is so cool - tons of apts that look like tenements from NY, surrounding a cute courtyard that I can imagine small Spanish children playing in while their mothers garden. But Barca's too cool for that.
5.21.09
23:30
I FORGOT MY BOOK!! Truely sucked all day that I didn't have my book to write all the cool things down Sigh.
Started ou tthe day dodging C's roommate - such a bitch. We found our way to the Cathedral - huge, gorgeous, rode to the rooftop and looked over Barca. Then wound our way to the Museum d' Historia - there were audio guidebooks that took you through Roman ruins in the basement. Legit 11-12 BC ruins of aquaducts and wine cellars and a church. Amazing. We were't allowed to take pics, but there's plenty of info online.
Walked around the Barri Gotic - Oh! And we actually started out the day down La Rambla and walked through the huge market that was filled with fruit, veggies, seafood, meat, bread and every type of food you want. It was all fresh and thriving - very touristy area, but it was fun to see the "famous" sites.
Lunch was at Placa de Reial, at the Hotel de Reial. We got Tapas for 2 people for $25 - ham, spicy potatoes, fried calamari rings, prawns, mussles, bread topped with tomatoes and a cheese plate. Got VERY tipsy on sangria and had 2 men call us "guapa" and watched an accordian guy, a guitar player and a group of buff gymnasts perform. All very touristy, all in a gorgeous courtyard and all well worth it for the "Spanish experience."
Then we started shopping, and boy, can J shop. Stopped at an old Spanish bookstore down a small side street - most of them are narrow, barely any sun, and then you reach placas where the tourists are and they are bustling city centers. Bought a dress at H&M, matching sunglasses w J at a hippie shop, and the most gorgeous awesome Spanish dress at a cute store we're dying to get back to. We held up the line trying thing on, and had to rush to get back to C to let her in the apt., but we're def going back.
Then we stopped for a mid-day cafe con leche at Acoma - only 1.30 euros so we had 2. They were wonderful. Also, my favorite My Chemical Romance song was playing in the restaurant. Thought that was cool as shit.
Tonight we took a trip down the metro to meet S & A at a Mexican restaurant - they were so warm and welcoming and I adored them. We're going to do beer and pizza and watch the futbol game together - very exciting! Their lives are so exciting and intersting - gay relationships, 40 year old professors, trying to avoid getting married off by her father, living with an ex, traveling. They tire me out.
Big advetures tomorrow. Up at 7:30am, out by 9am. Then off to the most beautiful place on earth for a wonderful weekend with the girls!
we went out last night
one thing started leading to another
out last night
hittin on everybody and their mother
- i am stressed out about money. i spent a little more than i should have in barcelona, and combined with a flight i had already on there that i forgot about, i'm now in a not so good money situation. i don't want my parents to bail me out though, so i'm just going to deal with it and fix it myself. sigh. the real world.
- looked at a new site today that i think will give me more information about jobs that i'm interested in. i'm going to sit down tomorrow and make lists and start doing cover letters and getting some more applications out there. they're all in different cities, but i stuck to the east coast at least. and i'm working on getting something set up here in the next two weeks so that i'm not completely income-less this summer. bills to pay, beer to drink... you know the deal :)
- jon and kate plus 8 is pissing me off. in the last couple months they have gone off the deep end, and today filed for divorce. i am heartbroken.
- went to work out with two of my friends today. they were done after about 30 minutes, but i pushed them to stay for an hour. i kept up with cardio pretty well for not having run in about a month. weighed myself for the first time in forever... i weigh a lot more than i ever have i think. put on a bit of weight, but i think it'll come off soon, as i stop sitting around being lazy and, you know, actually working. what a relief. i've been kinda bored...
- this weekend was pretty good. some drama between me and jb and her boy, of course. always the same shit. makes me glad at least i'm not in a messed up relationship just to be in a relationship, claiming to love someone. they're just so immature in their relationship, it's sickening. and annoying. but the rest of the time we had fun, hanging out at the beach. nanner's friends were really bitchy and annoying - never wanted to hang out with us and kept pulling anna in two directions. we tried to hang out with them, but they wanted to do their own thing, so we just let them be. but ap and i had a great time road tripping together and we worked out today together at bk's place, so it's been really great to rekindle that friendship. she's chilled out a lot since high school, and i like her relationship with her fiance even if i sometimes think they aren't quite meant for each other and may be getting married for the wrong reasons. but we both know that you tell more of the bad things to your friends than you do the good, or at least that's what they see, so it's really hard for any of us to ever think someone's good enough for our friends. you may like the guy, but unless he treats you like you're on a pedestal (cough best friend cough) then he's never really perfect, is he?
- i have a knot of anxiety in my stomach. i want to let it go, but i can't, because i'm just not sure where all this money i need is going to come from. i want to make it on my own, but i guess i'm still stuck in this whole i don't want to stay in my hometown for too long thing. it would be the smart route though, at least until i find the job i want. i'm just frustrated, but i'm really going to try and stand on my own two feet and do this thing. i need to, for me and for my family who have supported me this entire time, especially since i've been wishy-washy about what i've wanted to "be when i grow up" my entire life. they've stood by me, and i don't want to disappoint. so i'll make this happen, and everything will turn out all right - it all happens for a reason. just not sure what that is right now...
she's slinging eggs and bacon
with a college education
just hanging out and waiting for a better plan
she's ok not knowing, she's young
and the world's wide open
wow, it's been forever. let's take this slowly, shall we?
first, i graduated. it was a rainy, miserable, awful day. that saturday that my parents arrived was a lot of fun, and i obviously had a lot of fun with my friends the nights before that, hanging out at the leafe for the last times and out at nelson with the boys. looking back now, i really didn't realize how good i had it all those four years. i tried to keep it all in and enjoy it all, but you really don't know what you have until it's gone.
so after the festivities sunday, we had to pack up my room all monday and make sure everything was good to go before i left for spain. we were done by 12, so we had lunch and then momma and i headed to dulles. got there with plenty of time to spare and she left before i met up with the big. i'd had three hours of sleep the night before (went to mug night with my parents and then stayed out all night with the best friends, soaking it all up) so i expected to sleep on my first international flight. not the case. i also had a sinus infection (which i was taking anti-biotics which lead to me having a TMI ALERT yeast infection while in spain with no way to fix it immediately... ugh. awful. painful. awful.)
eventually i want to post everything i wrote while over there and some pictures so i can remember everything and also have some retrospective stories told also. i kept a little black book while i was there, and one story, involving a french-canadian boy i met on my last day, is quite interesting and the story i wrote all the way back to america. things have been interesting since then also, especially considering my red-headed ex-boyfriend who thinks he can win my heart back. i'm nervous about finding a job, but i've also been having a great 2 weeks being back in the states, so all is good i guess.
helping my brother re-decorate his room this week and cleaning up my own room (still) and then celebrating two of my friends' birthdays this weekend in williamsburg and va beach. went to lake gaston with the boys this past weekend and it was unbelievably fun as far as spending time with them and the place itself - his mom was a bit weird though and very controlling about weird things. oh, and sunday i was at an orioles game with the family just for the day, so it's been very busy since i've been back. oh, and in two more weekends, i'll be at the beach with my family and our family friends on the sound side, just enjoying the sunset. it's a rough life, i tell you.
watching the o's and the cmt awards right now.
finished twilight today. don't judge me.
california waiting, every little thing's gotta be just right
say, while you're trying to save me
can't i just get back my lonely life
cinco de mayo last night. went out with pb (prague guy) and drank coronas and played photo hunt all night. and did bad things. or things i know are bad for me.
i don't know what it is - i'm not really that physically attracted to him. but his personality. the way he talks to me. everything he knows about me. the fucking mind games he can play. irresistible. it's weird, but i know he takes care of me. and who doesn't like to be taken care of? maybe i toy with him too much... but he knows i do. and he knows nothing would ever come of it. but. then again i have this feeling that he's way more into it (for real) than i am. and maybe i'm possibly breaking his heart more than i could ever know. i'm just not sure. but when i'm honest with him, and he doesn't take that honesty any differently than he ever has and just keeps coming back for more, then is it really my fault? i want to think not. but it probably is. it's just so nice to be wanted, you know? plus, if we ever did get married (long story, hopefully not serious...) then i know he'd make a great husband. he would. (and i think he may have seen this blog on my mozilla bc it was up when he checked his email. i'm not sure he knows what blogger is, or can even find it... i've searched for my own before and couldn't, so here's to hoping...)
i am now home, listening to a huge thunderstorm. it took out my satellite, which is kinda ok, except i wanted to watch chelsea lately before heading upstairs. instead, i think this is a good opportunity to (oh, and it's back now) refine my reading list for the summer. i will update when i have completed it (must add: yes man - had no clue it was a book and just reading the first couple pages in b&n during a study break, it was fucking HIlarious.) also on the list is real housewives of nyc's bethenny frankel's new book and the second chelsea handler book. maybe even twilight (did i just say that???) only because a (very intelligent) girlfriend of mine recommend them for the beach.
speaking of the beach. after watching curious case of benjamin button last night, i decided to consider moving to the outer banks this summer. just picking up, without friends or family, and making it on my own. worst that could happen? i end up back in the burg without a real job and living with my parents until i do. but at least then i'd have an experience under my belt that i never thought i'd do. and yeah, i'd look for real jobs while there through the internet, but it'd be better than sitting around here all summer. we shall see if i grow a pair tonight or not.... haha.
she only loved me for a season
but my heart won't ever be the same
even now her love's the reason
there's something sexy about the rain
i was thinking today about memory, and how if i didn't have this blog, i wouldn't remember a lot of things. pictures are great, but take junior year - the ex and i didn't take ANY pictures up in dc, but i have so many memories because i would come back and write about them. or the weekends i stayed here with the best guy friend and the other crazy friend who never left his couch - so many wild nights at the beginning of the year that i never even wrote down. but then there are things that i do throughout the day that sometimes remind me of the strangest things, and it just makes me wonder about memory... and how we can sometimes change memories to what we want them to be. or what we want them to mean. certain things i hear or do evoke memories - but not memories that i dwell on, just flashes, instances, of a memory. it's quick and then it's gone, but it happens every time - sometimes i notice, and some times it's just like breathing, it happens so often.
examples, because i know you're wondering:
~ every time i brush my teeth i think about the "right" way to brush them. why? because when i was about 10 years old my best childhood friend took me to the dentist with her - i spent almost every summer with her and her mom because her mom worked from home, it was free childcare for my mother, they had a pool, and i was free entertainment for her child. i distinctly remember the dentist telling us to brush in circles, not up and down, because that would get our teeth the cleanest and it wouldn't push the plaque back up into our gums like brushing up and down would.
~ when i hear a song that has a lot of bass parts, i think about that bus ride to king's dominion. and how i heard incubus for the first time. and how he tried to get me to hear the bass parts, but i just couldn't. i didn't understand what he meant. and about a year later, i was listening to it, and i heard it. and every time i hear someone mention "the fungus amongus" or i'm listening to any incubus song, i remember those two moments.
then there are the times where i can't think of the memory, but it's there. and it's not even my memory really... it's like it almost belongs to someone else but it's part of my memory instead. i was at a party this past weekend and i heard a blip of something that was quite strange. and i started singing in a weird voice. and then i realized it was the song he used to sing that i'd never even heard, but i knew it any way. "i know that she knows that i'm not one for askin..." and that's as far as he ever got. and it was the only part of the song i knew. and i shouldn't have known it, but he said it so often, and i was singing it without realizing it.
so i wish i had more examples, because it happens a lot, but i'm not talking about associations (like i had written down that i can't see a rabbit without thinking about the dream i had about jb in high school with her hopping around with the mechanical bunnies.) but that's not it... but i know you know what i mean. it's just... i don't know, i was trying to figure out a way to put it all into words, but they have failed me tonight.
anyway, my point is, even besides this blog, i want to start writing things down more when they happen. when the funny blurbs pop out of my, or someone else's, mouth. (like today when we went to ring the bell, rooms was joking with jb, "why would a nurse ever need to take a cpr class?" i took it to the next level by adding, "yeah... that doesn't make any sense. how could that be part of your job? i thought nurses only fucked doctors..." doesn't sound that funny written out, but i semi-said it right in front of our dean of students and jb's mouth dropped open and rooms even looked shocked.) or if i see something i want to remember not through a picture but through words.
i wish i could draw.
but i did see some very cute, very small sketch books/journals in b&n. so when i get some cash i'm going to invest and keep it in my purse. i want to remember the next 10 years - record it all. and eventually a video camera would be nice. wouldn't that have been cool? to have your entire college career on your comp to watch when you wanted or to splice together an awesome video? (which i'm working on a slideshow/music video thing for my friends similar to the one i made for high school. it will make them cry i'm sure. i'm going to work on it while at home weds-sat and surprise them with it before mug night sunday!)
this has been a half-assed effort at trying to explain this concept. but i did learn a nifty word today: nefarious. meaning evil, wicked. it explains my neighbor very well, no?
i never ever cried when i was feeling down
i've always been scared of the sound
jesus don't love me, no one ever carried my load
i'm too young to feel this old
so a lot has happened since i last had a real post. monday i went to the kings of leon concert with nb. we left early, got through the tunnel and had dinner at a cute little pub in norfolk - i had steamed mussels and a great salad, shiner boch and we sat outside on a gorgeous day. all the way down there though i just wanted to relax, listen to some music... but he kept talking. and talking. and explaining thing i wasn't interested in, and turning down the music and wanting to roll up the windows and yelling at traffic. all little things that just irritated me. that's when you know it's just never ever going to work. but how do you say that to someone? how do you tell them it's all the little things about them that bug the shit out of you? so i didn't. i let us enjoy the concert instead, tried not to let him kiss me or hold my hand, and just enjoyed kol. so much better in concert than on the cds. i will see them again, with friends, soon, that's for sure. was home by 11:15 and just went to bed.
next day, he had to bring me my flip flops that i left in his car. well, i was stressed out all day because of the presentations and paper, so i just wanted him to drop them off. he shows up with mcdonald's sweet tea and wanted to come up to the room. and stayed for fucking 45 minutes and tried to be cute and cuddly. and finally after he said something about my busy schedule i said yeah, we need to talk about that. i didn't use me being busy as an excuse, i just said it was a factor. and also that he fell too hard too quickly and it was all too coupley and that i had never promised him anything more than a date. he said something like i did a 180 on him, he didn't expect it, blah blah blah. see, i've done that before - i've led guys on too much and then reversed when i got scared, etc. so i know what he was talking about. this was not the case this time. yeah, we had fun, yeah we hung out, but all the while i was thinking it was too much already and i needed it to back down, so i did. i didn't text back when he texted, i didn't get online, i didn't flirt back and one time i even told him he was too much in my personal space when we were on the couch and i don't do cuddly. i tried to give hints. but he, honestly, was head over heels and couldn't see the signs. so it sucked that i had to break it to him. but he doesn't know the real true reason - he was a yankee that bugged the shit out of me. the talking fast, the accent, the having to explain things incessantly and the fact that he was a cyclist and could talk about nothing else (oh! and the time he said i was the only girl that he ever wanted to skip a race for - WARNING SIGN!!) he was ego-tastic and i couldn't deal with it. he hid it the first couple times we went out, but then the crazy came out. glad i got out of it. i'm pretty sure he was planning our wedding. he made way too many comments about if it all worked out that i could possibly be there that summer, that i was the only person he could relax around... i just got the sense that he doesn't really do that many dates or hadn't had a serious gf in awhile. i'd honestly rather hear somebody has had like 40 girlfriends than just 2-3 at age 26-going-on-27... at least that means they're desirable and not a fucking stage 5 clinger... right?
then blowout was this friday. long story short, we had a great time toasting our freshman dorms, having a bbq at nelson and getting shit-faced in general. and then we were at college delly. and jb and her boy were fighting and i told her i was tired of the drama shit and she started to tear up and said her boy had just said he wasn't even sure if he loved her anymore (little told me a different version of that and she was sober, so i think jb was mishearing...) and then started bawling. so i took her outside to go talk, ended up back at her place bc she was drunkels and told boy not to talk to her right then. next thing i know, little calls. jb's boy is arrested. on the ground, handcuffed... arrested. going to jail. jb loses her shit, we have to comfort her for an hour and a half. rooms goes to hook up, little goes back to bed and i decide to go back to nelson with the boys to hang out (it's only 1am-ish). meet up with the boys - one of their housemates was arrested. for drunk in public also, although i hear all he did was ask for his jacket over the college delly outside wall and the bouncer told him to keep moving and he said he just needed his jacket and then the police stepped in. so two of our friends we'd be drinking with all day were in the slammer. what a night. we called the jail all night, got to only talk to jb's boy, and both had to be picked up today. that's 5 of my very close friends (cc, bw, gc, dd and dg) in the last two months who have been arrested for dip. and i'm pretty sure they just wanted to be drunk in the bar, not be thrown into public drunk :)
so it was an interesting night to say the least. it's now rather late. i'm going to go to bed so i can get up early and get this shit done. tuesday afternoon is going to be lovely because i will be one exam away from freedom. and thursday, i'm home to see my dad's band play at the baseball stadium! and dd is coming with!
ps - the post from yesterday was just a scheduled post to go into my archives. i like being reminded of what i was thinking/doing a year ago sometimes. i did not come home and write that. hah.
this is what i was feeling may 1st, 2008:
but right now everything you want is wrong
and right now all your dreams are waking up
and right now i wish i could follow you
to the shores of freedom where no one lives
exam week. hell. i've been listening to the oc soundtrack as my studying playlist and it's so addicting. two papers down, one to go. one in-class exam down, one to go. haven't had time to say goodbye to any seniors. i might go to dphi senior send off tomorrow night, having lunch with big and little tomorrow at t-bell and saturday i'm sure i'll hang with people so that i won't just be inside packing all day. it's gonna take forever to get all my shit together.
so i hung out with this friend. the one that told me he liked me. well, i thought we'd gotten past all this. then he tells me he likes me half the time and the rest of the time i just piss him off because he thinks i'm flirting with him. and he doesn't like that i "toy" with him like that. i can honestly say i do not flirt with this guy. i joke with him. i am myself. but i don't like him like that. we spent 6 hours in panera together studying, like hardcore studying - i'm not the kind of person that will just sit there dryly and just study. i treat him like all my other guy friends. but i am now realizing i shouldn't have been doing that with him because he likes me still. and that was sending the wrong message. i can't treat him like p or b because they don't feel that way about me and don't take it the wrong way. he does. i'm just angry at myself for letting that all happen, and now i just don't know how to act around him so i'm angry at him for telling me. luckily, i leave in three days and he's leaving for the west coast and then australia, so i won't have to see him. but it sucks that i probably lost a friend that i could have been close with because he liked me.
this really has no point. i'm just mad. at him, and especially myself, for once again being naive and not realizing that i can't be just friends with a guy.
